Attribution: James McTaggart, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, lies low today as the keeper works to develop his “Ailment Complaint Guide” for use primarily in elderly environs but also useful for all ages in responding to the ubiquitous “How are you?” in even casual encounters.
The following card is to be carried and referred to on all occasions of sharing space with somebody, particularly in elevators and hallways:
AILMENT COMPLAINT GUIDE
1. Try to be first with your complaint details to avoid having to listen to the other person’s endless drivel about theirs.
2. Exaggerate the pain and suffering you have endured, perhaps comparing it to giving birth or being hit by a truck as in roadkill.
3. If your ailment in any way involves the replacement of worn-out joints or other body parts embellish your description of the replacement material used, especially if it is wood or tin.
4. When a complaint listener shows the slightest sign of being inattentive, slap them lightly on the left cheek and remind them that what you are talking about is damn serious.
5. If your doctor has told you anything other than that you are done, repeat his or her statement about your ailment and its treatment duration in years.
6. At the conclusion of your ailment report, check the time and announce that you have to rush off for a lab appointment to see if your blood has enough sugar.
7. Depart abruptly, perhaps limping and moaning.
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