Attribution: Photo by Norman Tsui on Unsplash
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, looks over the keeper’s shoulder as he and Phyllis view the tragic Christmas morning news under the headline: “SANTA MISSING AFTER SLEIGH CRASHES INTO NONEXISTENT WHITE HOUSE WING.”
The unredacted story followed.
“In what witnesses described as a terrible accident, Rudolph, using misinformation from elf Pete Hegseth letter to Santa, tried to guide the sleigh to a landing on a familiar roof that was no longer there, having been removed and destroyed by the ICE Proud Boys led by elf Kash Patel.
“Emergency medical responders under the direction of elf Sec. of Health RFK Jr. reported all eight reindeer suffered broken legs but RFK Jr said the broken legs would be to the reindeers’ benefit as they flew through the sky.
“Since the White House mishap occurred at the beginning of Santa’s planned Christmas eve route all other households will be served by emergency Amazon drivers and the USPS using chimney egress and major roadways.
“FBI agents report that the missing Santa was seen wading in the reflecting pool by the Lincoln Monument, but that turned out to be an unidentified man with a fat Santa-like body who had escaped from incarceration in a Florida billionaire penitentiary and was wandering aimlessly with a bag of coal and a megaphone.
“Authorities are following a lead that seems to indicate Santa has abandoned his traditional role—perhaps due to suffering a blow to his head and is rallying the populace to join him in the local taverns and out on the streets in a raucous celebration of good will and downright decency.
“He was heard to be shouting, ‘MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!’
“A press conference will follow.”