Kickass and Santa Letter by Bill Stokes

Attribution: Photo by Y M on Unsplash

By Bill Stokes

Kickass, the doorstop dog, reports the keeper and Phyllis receiving the POTUS list of executive facts to help the kids compile this year’s Letter to Santa.

1. Santa’s address has been changed from North Pole to Mar-a-Lago.

2. Santa is still a fat man but he no longer has facial hair and instead wears a false beard on top of his head.

3. Santa’s reindeer have been replaced by a coal-powered locomotive that toots its horn nonstop and does not stop at pedestrian crossings.

4. Santa’s elves have been replaced by stiff-necked billionaires with access to Santa’s entire toy warehouse as well as his brain.

5. Rudolph, Santa’s head navigator, has been replaced by Pete whose red nose is fueled by bourbon and sometimes causes Santa to crash into stop signs and the truth.

6. Instead of leaving cookies out for a Santa treat leave him gold pieces shaped like Venezuela.

(If Santa gets stuck in your chimney, let him stay there, sell the house—to a Republican, and move to Canada where they still believe in Santa, except for the part about Grandma getting run over by a reindeer. That was not Grandma, it was Melania–Mrs. Santa Claus, and Santa was so upset he tried to post a glamorous picture of her but mistakenly got into some old Epstein negatives and a fracas ensued. It is still going on.