Artwork by Michael DiMilo
By Geoff Carter
He’s done it again. That Master of Marketing, the man who brought us Celebrity Apprentice, Trump Airlines, Trump University, ACN Communications, a series of failed casinos, his own line of urine tests, and of course, his name, his exclusive brand—his name, seen emblazoned in garish golden letters across the faces of his buildings, has come up with a new and exciting product: Trump Sneakers. Mr. Trump seems to be trying to emulate the signature lines of basketball shoes from the likes of Michael Jordan, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and many others. Of course, Trump sneakers are complete originals. No one else could have made anything like this.
The shoes, solid-gold colored hightops with red soles, a capital “T” imprint and a stars and stripes logo emblazoned on the sides, is a fashion must for any MAGA fashionista. Imagine crossing a muddy field to see the Orange Wonder in full Trump regalia: from the bright red MAGA hat, the t-shirt saying “Grab this Pussy” (with the arrow pointing down to the nether regions), the red, white, and blue workout pants with Trump stenciled on one side and USA written on the other, all the way down to the red-soled golden sneakers glinting in the bright LED spotlights of the portable stage. He has indeed done it again. Trump has provided the perfect accessory for his MAGA clown suit.
This is just the latest example of the former president’s singular (and according to those in the know, somewhat suspect) level of taste, but who listens to those New York City snobs and tastemakers anyway? What’s wrong with a gold-plated toilet, goldleaf decoration, gold wallpaper, and gold fixtures in your Trump Towers apartment? (It does seem bigger than it really is.) Trump should be proud of everything he’s accomplished with the millions of dollars he inherited from his father. Despite his six bankruptcies—no doubt the result of those pesky Democratic conspiracies—he should be proud of his remaining wealth. It is the perfect extension of his name, his personality, and by extension, his brand.
I’m sure that Tycoon Trump isn’t fazed by the recent judgement leveled against him by Judge Engeron in the civil fraud case against him in New York City. Three hundred and fifty-five million dollars is chump change for a financial wizard like Donald Trump. He would never have to sell gold sneakers or trading cards with his image or merchandise flags, t-shirts, hats, or other clown outfit accessories to make ends meet. He can make money by just looking at it. Who cares if he’s also been prohibited from doing business in New York City for three years, but what’s that to a captain of industry like Trump? Nothing. He knows all he has to do is ask his fans for more campaign funds—five dollars here, ten dollars there, and oh—they won’t care if they don’t know if they’re actually signing up for a monthly donation.
They know Donald Trump loves them and he’d do anything in the world for them. After all, he lowered taxes for the ultra-rich and promised to build a wall on the southern border and make Mexico pay for it—which of course they didn’t do.
And his fans will do absolutely anything for him. Even jail time. They came when he called on January 6th, 2021. They stood up and stood by. And what do they want in return? Well, they’re not sure. They’ll dress up in the clothes he sells them, wave his flags, collect his trading cards, and hang his pictures on their walls. And give him their hard-earned money.
Trump loves them so much he knows they will return that love and believe anything he tells them and buy anything he sells them. And he is so right. The shoes sold out only hours after they came out. His collection of one-of-a-kind trading cards sold out quickly, too. They believe everything he says, that the 2020 presidential election was stolen (but somehow the down ballot elections weren’t), that drinking bleach will cure Covid, that Ted Cruz’s father was part of the plot to kill JFK, that windmill noise causes cancer, and that his pending court cases for the January 6th insurrection, Georgia election tampering, hiding classified documents at this Mar-a-Lago estate, and the porn star hush money cases are the results of Democrat conspiracies.
In short, Donald Trump has completed the circle for his adoring public. He has provided them—at a mere four hundred and ninety-nine dollars each—the perfect accessory to complete the Trump election fashion ensemble clown suit. Now his fan base can not only seem foolish, short-sighted, idiotic, and tacky, they can also look the part. They have set aside any modicum of civic responsibility, common sense, and respect for the rule of law in order to devote themselves to the cult of Trump, the Agent of Orange, the Grand Order of the Wagging Tongue, and the Royal Garter of Stupidity. Dressing up like clowns seems only appropriate.