WayneRay, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, does the keeper a favor by passing along the following proclamation which addresses the keeper’s desire to revise his predator status:
“I, being of suspect mind and dilapidated body,
“And having passed on predatory killing tools to younger clan members,
“And marveling at the memory of youthful delight and exuberance that once came with having killed various animals and birds,
“And having long ago lost any semblance of thrill that comes from killing a lessor creature,
“And being more than willing to delegate predatory killing so I can still eat Culver hamburgers,
“And offended by killing that does not involve eating, as in wolves and other inedible critters,
“And willing to accept those fellow predators who would spare the cows by eating only grass and other greens,
“And noting that my woodland DEER stand has turned into a DEAR stand in a living-room recliner next to one occupied by Phyllis,
“I, therefore, by the powers vested in me by dint of having grown old and creaky, ask that I be granted inactive predator status, and re-armed with such appropriate weapons as a can-opener, a popcorn popper, a TV remote, and a jug of wine to share with Phyllis.”
Amen, Bill.