Illustration by Michael DiMilo
By Geoff Carter
They are living amongst us. They might be your co-worker, your neighbor, your teammate in the volleyball league, or the housewife standing in line at the grocery store staring at the tabloid headlines. Hundreds—more than a thousand—of them were just released from their prisons and are once again roaming our streets. Who are they? Insurrectionists, rioters, criminals who were caught red-handed on video (usually their own selfies) assaulting police and vandalizing our Capitol Building, the People’s House, in order to overturn the results of a legal election.
These people call themselves Americans. They masquerade as patriots, but we know better. We know who they really are. They are criminals who have been freed by their leader (let’s call him the Joker). He is the rabble-rouser who convinced them to attack the Capitol in the first place. They did, were arrested, tried, and some were incarcerated. Now their glorious leader just got them out of jail, and these rioters—if they didn’t before—believe he is the one true savior.
Who are these traitors (insurrectionist is too kind a term) and how do we guard ourselves against them? Who is eying up your daughter and wondering whether she is pregnant? Who is sneering at your bumper stickers and lawn signs? Who is trolling you on your family holiday Facebook page? And what are they building in their basements?
We should know. We need to protect ourselves. We have a right to be safe and secure. After all, doesn’t the Preamble to the Constitution say our government exists to “ensure domestic tranquility” and “establish justice”? And the Constitution (as of this writing) is still there.
According to ABC News, since they have been pardoned, Daniel Ball, one of the pardoned insurrectionists, has been arrested for unlawful firearm possession. Matthew Huttle, another rioter granted clemency by the president, was shot and killed during a traffic stop in Indiana. Huttle was armed but details about events that led to the shooting have not been disclosed. This could very well be only the tip of the iceberg. Several of those pardoned have posted their intentions to get guns or to right the “wrongs” inflicted on them when they were sent to trial. These guys are not going to pass quietly into the night. We need to protect ourselves.
To that end, I propose that a National Insurrectionist Registry, modeled after the National Sex Offender Registry, be established. This database would track the whereabouts, the residences, the workplaces, and the recent activities of the offenders.
As is the case with the sex offender registry, residents would be notified when an offender moves into their neighborhood. Those on the registry would not be allowed to own firearms, body armor, bear spray, tasers, pepper spray, batons, baseball bats, flagpoles, or any other instruments of destruction. Access to Fox News, One America Network, as well as various podcasts, flagged as inflammatory materials—much as child porn inflames a pedophile—would be regulated or outright banned. They would have to stay at least five hundred feet away from schools—especially during school board meetings, and they would never again be allowed to vote.
In addition, I believe that each of the pardoned insurrectionists carry state-issued photo IDs as well as a card identifying them as a once—and maybe future—insurrectionist. Maybe a color-coded card like a blue card or a red card might be appropriate. Red would work; it would match the hat.
As well as ensuring our own security, these measures would ensure the safety of the offenders and start them on the road to rehabilitation. Perhaps a program—a la A Clockwork Orange—of forced viewing of violent and anti-democratic activities would, in the words of Strother Martin as the Captain in Cool Hand Luke, get their minds right. Or maybe if they were subjected to non-stop footage of RFK Jr. talking about brain leaks, brain worms, vaccines, and his escapade with the dead bear cub in Central Park, they might turn to a more reliable and believable information source—one based in reality.
But rehabilitation for these people is probably too much to hope for. They have been flimflammed by the master. They are hooked. Maybe deprogramming might be more effective. Or possible deportation to Russia or North Korea. They might feel more at home there.
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