Attribution: Harry Pot / Anefo, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, passes along the keeper’s tips for watching your weight during the Thanksgiving week:
*Do not apply makeup, deodorant or false eyelashes before stepping on the scale in the morning. Do, however, shave whatever you shave, clip your toe and fingernails and trim your mustache prior to the daily weigh-in.
*Strike from your vocabulary the phrase “Please pass….” And replace it with “No thanks, I’m stuffed!” If you have trouble with this vocal transition, ask an in-law to duct-tape your mouth shut which they will likely be cooperative in doing.
*Sunken deep in your recliner after having made a pig of yourself at the table, feign sleep so the rest of them will leave you alone with your dreams of being a lion that has just consumed several wildebeests.
*Share with companions the info that since 28 percent of Americans are obese there must be a kind of patriotism involved in overeating.
*(Personal tip to the keeper: Keep ignoring Phyllis’s daily reminder that if he continues with his current eating habits, the keeper will outweigh Santa Claus by Christmas and is destined to be stuck in the chimney.)
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