Attribution: ECP from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons
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By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, assists the keeper in sending an early winter notice to those who temporarily left Wisconsin some months ago to avoid hazardous ice, deep snow, bone-chilling cold and endless commercials for winter-related maladies:
OFFICIAL WINTER ABSENTEE NOTICE
Your reentry into Wisconsin in the spring is by no means guaranteed and you must make special application with the committee of snowplow operators, salt spreaders, delivery people and ambulance drivers.
You may be asked questions regarding your Wisconsin history and whether or not you believe in Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a Gerrymandered state government and a quarterback named Love.
Ignore this notice if you are a hummingbird as Wisconsin understand that you cannot suck sweet juices out of anything in a solidly frozen landscape and hummingbirds have no way of opening brandy bottles.
To those who did not leave Wisconsin to avoid the winter but are sleeping through it–like bears and gophers, in cozy isolated state dens, this notice applies only to those who might emerge too early, like in May: June is advised.
If you are serious about living in Wisconsin only when the weather meets your personal thermostatic standards, expect to be shunned, envied, disrespected, barked at by Wisconsin dogs and perhaps insulted by the keeper and emphasized by Phyllis who once lived full-time in Arizona.
Photo by Bill Stokes