Kickass and Beer Bird Feeder by Bill Stokes

Attribution: Cat Lee Ball, CC BY 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons

By Bill Stokes

Kickass, the doorstop dog, says the keeper, in his efforts to fit into the natural community and seasonal cycles, will be removing the sweet water from the hummingbird feeder on his balcony and filling it with beer, Spotted Cow of course.

It is his thinking that the resident sparrows who comfort him in sharing the inability to migrate and thus must face all that comes with a Wisconsin winter, would appreciate an offering befitting their handicapped existence.

Given that beer does not contain enough alcohol to prevent freezing at usual Wisconsin winter temperatures, frequent maintenance of the beer-bird feeder will be necessary, thus explaining regular trips to beer vendors in what might seem to be the off-season for beer drinking.

The keeper considered finding a supply of horse s— as nostalgic entertainment for the sparrows but was afraid it would attract the brainless political crowd and he does not want the likes of Santos and M. Taylor Greene hanging around his balcony.

Phyllis, meanwhile, chooses to remain above the bird feeder fray with a glass of Riesling, which she will not be sharing with the sparrows.