Kickass and Monster Cats by Bill Stokes

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By Bill Stokes

Kickass, the doorstop dog, indulges the keeper as he once again, in this time of year when barred owls and cats fall in love, reviews the damage done to him as a child when love-sick tom cats gathered beneath a window where he slept and transformed themselves into mad monsters of the night, obviously doing permanent harm to the keeper’s psyche.

Owls and cats are not quiet about their lustful circumstances, and Mom’s assurance that “It’s just the cats, Billy. Go back to sleep,” was enough to question the omniscience of motherhood.

Over the years, the keeper occasionally incurred the wrath of cat people by writing newspaper articles that were not really anti-cat rants but rather told the truth about how cats are the major bird-killing predator, and they have no business roaming around out in owl territory.

As a generator of hate mail, there is nothing more effective than writing about cats being cats. One Chicago Tribune reader suggested the keeper needed to be caged in a pet shelter from which he would never be adopted.

Even at this late date, the keeper thinks he may have a shot at proving personal psyche cat damage. How else to explain his waking up on a recent night and hearing owls and then going sleepless for hours?

But, since it is impossible to herd cats, suing them could be a problem for the keeper.

Phyllis might be able to help him, perhaps by simply saying, “It’s just the owls, Billy. Go back to sleep.”