Artwork by Michael DiMilo
By Geoff Carter
Since the sighting, tracking, and downing of the Chinese weather balloon/surveillance device off the coast of South Carolina a week or so ago, three more airborne objects have been observed and subsequently downed over or near American airspace. Nobody knows exactly where they’re from or who sent them. The Chinese government denies any culpability, leaving us only the fields of our fertile imaginations to find an answer.
The Chinese balloon, the first sighted object, was tracked as it passed over US airspace and finally downed over the coastal waters of South Carolina on February 4th, in a location where it was determined that falling debris would be no threat to human safety. The second object was shot down ten miles off the coast of Alaska on February 10th. The third object was actually downed over Canada the next day in a coordinated effort with the United States. And, finally, the last object was shot down on February 12th over Lake Huron. Recovery of the Chinese surveillance balloon was partially successful, but most of the others have not yet been found—that we know of.
The Chinese government denied responsibility for any of the skyborne objects, and it seems Washington has not been able to determine if they’re from another government—that we know of. If this is so, it of course begs the question of what these things might be. One report said the second object was the size of a small car. The Canadian intruder was reportedly cylindrical in shape. There seems to be no pattern. So, what are these things?
Are these actual UFOs? Interstellar visitors? As much as we might like to speculate and fantasize that ET or the friendly visitors from Close Encounters of the Third Kind might be visiting, our government says that aliens have not visited Earth—that we know of. Interestingly, however, for the first time in decades, Congress held a public hearing on UFOs last May and announced that the House Committee would be meeting with a Pentagon Program known as The Airborne Object Identification and Management Synchronization Group (CNN). Coincidence? Perhaps, but I tend to think an alien culture with the technology to traverse light years of space wouldn’t have to float around our stratosphere under a weather balloon unless their vehicles had broken down.
If the Chinese government is telling the truth and is not responsible for these intruders, perhaps it might be a smaller and less powerful nation seeking to make a splash by figuratively spitting in the face of a sleeping giant. Like the tiny duchy of Grand Fenwick in Leonard Wibberley’s novel The Mouse that Roared, a Lilliputian country might be attempting gain recognition or—as in the case of Grand Fenwick—compensation and reparations for war damages (the UFOs were shot down, after all) from an economic superpower. Maybe Luxembourg or The French Riviera or even Vatican City might be desperate enough to try such a hare-brained scheme. The Roman Catholics would have a handy excuse—they could always say they were simply trying to get closer to God.
There has also been rampant speculation that these devices were launched by private companies. God knows we have enough space junk (including an actual Tesla car), private rocket fleets, and other crap up there orbiting the Earth. Perhaps there is some industrial espionage going on over the vast mountains and pastures of Montana. Maybe elements of the Republican Party are attempting to track illegal immigrant traffic across the Canadian border. Or it could be that petroleum companies want a high-altitude scan to scope out high concentrations of heavy-duty pick-up trucks. Since three of America’s richest men have seen fit to sidestep the spirit of the tax laws (if such an entity could be said to have a soul) and build their own private space fleets, perhaps the has-beens, up-and-comers, and wannabes in the American economic upper crust want to flaunt their wealth, too.
The Walton family (owners of the ubiquitous Walmart stores) don’t have a space fleet yet. I wonder if the UFO over Lake Huron might be Jim, Alice, and Rob simply sticking their respective toes in the water to investigative the feasibility of building a Walmart superstore on the moon. Maybe that probe was slowly making its way down to Arkansas in order to pick up Sarah Huckabee—or it might be more feasible to suppose than an alien spacecraft would be picking her up—I don’t really believe she’s from Arkansas. In fact, I’d really like to see her birth certificate. Maybe one of the balloons was a reconnaissance device set to spy on liberal billionaires (yes, Virginia, they do exist) Warren Buffett or (gasp) George Soros by the GOP.
Last week, a late-night talk show host speculated that the inflatable tube man balloons so often seen at car franchises were escaping from their anchors and floating around in the atmosphere. I suppose if that’s the case, thousands of escaped vinyl birthday, graduation, and get-well balloons are floating around up there, too, creating hazards in commercial airliner flight space. Maybe they’re up there. Maybe they’ve organized.
Because the last three airborne intruders were floating at about 30,000 feet, the same altitude commercial airliners use, the United States declared them a hazard to airline crews and passengers—and shot them down. This raises the question—the serious question—of whether these UFOs were signs of terrorist activity. With all of our home-grown white supremacists, anarchists, and militia groups, I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that one of the balloons was actually shaped in the image of a former disgruntled president.
These sightings could be anything from a college prank to international espionage to industrial espionage. It might be an alien invasion. However, as absurd as they may seem, these phenomena cannot be summarily dismissed. Whether they’re a threat to innocent travelers, American citizens, or to our democracy, or to all the people of planet Earth, we need to figure out what the hell these Unidentified F…ing Objects are.
Very funny. Whatever the reality of these balloons, for gods sake lets blow em up lest we actually learn something about them.