Oksdfjkllrwe, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
Kickass, the doorstop dog, is helping the keeper with the “vintage terminology update project” aimed at removing some negative connotations and restoring relevance and dignity to the lives of those in the keeper’s age group, some of whom reflect previous diets on the front of their shirts, are prone to bathroom dashes, use walking aides and either don’t hear what is said or don’t care to hear it.
While it is too late for meaningful behavioral modification–no more eating in the recliner while watching TV or visiting the bathroom just because one is handy; the rest of the world needs to be made aware of the following restorative space-age linguistic changes:
*Bibs will be known as “eat shields.”
*Incontinence wear will be called “Space suits.”
*Canes and walking sticks will be “Gravity probes.”
*Walkers are to be called “Moon scooters.”
*Hearing aides will be known as “What?”
*Personal phones and TV remotes will never be referred to without the accompanying phrase of “Where the hell is……”
*Gravity is banned in favor of weightlessness, and the word “fall” is to be used only in referring to the seasons.
(Phyllis, who is one smart woman, approves of the keeper’s “eat shield,” especially when he dives into a bowl of her creative soup.)
