Get off My Lawn!

Artwork by Michael DiMilo

By Geoff Carter

Once upon a time, Wisconsin used to a state known for its practicality, progressive politics, and good economic sense. It boasted one of the nation’s best public-school systems, one of the finest state university systems, and was known for its shrewd management of its abundant woodlands and waterways. Once upon a time.

Things are different today. Wisconsin has grown short-sighted, stubborn, and refuses to stop living in the past. It has become old, not in a chronological sense, but in the sense that its Republican run legislature has exhibited many of the behaviors of a cranky old man—not unlike that guy on the corner telling the kids to get the hell off his lawn. We’ve all heard this guy.

“I’m not going to pay for those goddamned schools!” Not unlike this stingy old fart, the Republican legislature has cut funding for public schools and universities as well as state health benefits. As a result, many public schools are suffering chronic teacher shortages and are forced to use out-of-date textbooks and obsolete software. 

“You know, I’m not paying good money for our schools to make our kids read those dirty books like Maus or To Kill A Mockingbird or to be teaching that Critical Race Theory either.” Last January, the Wisconsin legislature passed a bill banning the teaching of Critical Race Theory in Wisconsin schools—a nice trick since CRT has never been taught in public schools anywhere. This bill bans teaching about racism because it could make white students feel guilty or inadequate. Books like Maus, a graphic novel that deals with the Holocaust, would likely fall into this category. 

“I’m not going to put on a mask. Those doctors don’t know what the hell they’re talking about.” During the height of the Covid epidemic, Wisconsin Republicans scoffed at mandatory masking and space restrictions prescribed by the CDC, even refusing to postpone a 2020 Milwaukee election, putting their fellow Wisconsinites at risk. Thousands of voters had to wait hours to cast their ballots at understaffed and overcrowded polling places. Of course, Robin Vos, the fearless Republican leader, showed up fully outfitted in surgical gown, mask, and gloves and had the audacity to proclaim how safe it was to vote. It would have been contemptible act if it hadn’t been so utterly moronic.

“Legalize pot! Are you crazy? It’s an addictive hallucinogen that cause brain damage.” Even though more progressive Midwestern states including Old Man Wisconsin’s beautifully liberal sister Minnesota, the stalwart big sister Illinois, and the crazy uncle that is Michigan have legalized medical–and in some cases–recreational marijuana, Wisconsin Republicans refuse to even entertain the idea. Never mind that years of research have proven that marijuana has numerous medical benefits, is much less harmful to the body than alcohol, and is no more addictive than potato chips. According to the Michigan Department of the Treasury , 111 million dollars of tax revenue was collected from the 10% adult-use excise tax from marijuana sales, a significant portion of which will be going to municipalities. The same sorts of earnings are also occurring in Illinois and Minnesota, our other more progressive neighbors. And, of course, some Wisconsinites have been crossing the borders in order to partake in the demon weed, so our money is going into our neighbors’ coffers—not our own. 

“Legalize abortion? What for? You know, if a woman is careless enough to get pregnant, it’s her fault and she needs to live with it.” With the leaked draft of the SCOTUS’ imminent decision to overturn Roe versus Wade, legalized abortion will no longer be a guaranteed constitutional right. The Right to Choose will be determined by each state. Unfortunately, according to Time Magazine, Wisconsin may revert to an 1849 law that criminalizes nearly all abortions. While the Republican legislature and Democratic Governor Evers are at loggerheads about revising present laws, 53% of Wisconsinites believe the procedure should remain legal. 

“Why shouldn’t I be able to fertilize my lawn up north? It won’t matter if it runs into the lake and kills a few fish. I have the right to do what I want to with my own property. This is America, for Chrissake!”  The Wisconsin Department of Natural Resources has been under siege in recent years. Fred Prehn, a Wausau dentist who was appointed to the DNR Board in 2015 by Scott Walker, and—through a loophole in the law—has refused to step down. Under his watch, a federal judge authorized a spring wolf hunt that greatly exceeded its quota, and loosened restrictions on shoreline alterations have resulted in clear-cutting of lake lots in northern Wisconsin. Also, legislation concerning the use of high-capacity wells in central Wisconsin has resulted in the complete disappearance of entire lakes. Manure runoff from farms has also plagued Wisconsin waterways. 

“What do you mean Joe Biden won the election? Everybody knows it was stolen. Trump was robbed!” Obediently following the former president’s lead like a poodle on a leash, Vos and other state Republicans have subscribed to Trump’s outlandish—and totally unfounded—claim that the 2020 presidential election had been stolen. Vos even went to the extreme of hiring Michael Gableman, a former Wisconsin Supreme Court Justice, to spearhead an investigation of Wisconsin election practices. To date, according to an article in  The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, Vos funded Gableman’s investigation—which to this point has turned up next to nothing—to the tune of $676,000.  Although there is general agreement that overturning the election results would be impossible, Trump has insisted they try. Like good dogs, Vos and Gableman continue the foolish charade.

The Wisconsin legislature, this old guy on the corner, is not representative of all the people on the block, but because of the extremely partisan redistricting of Wisconsin voting districts, he’s the one who’s calling the shots. Unfortunately, he insists on living in the past. When he looks down the street, he doesn’t see the way things are, he only seees the way they used to be. Even more unfortunately, he seems determined to take the rest of us back there with him.