Maasaak, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, has finally sent his letter off to Santa, and includes a copy here for the benefit of Phyllis and other Christmas elves:
“Dear Santa: As you know, I have not been a ‘good little boy,’ but you have always managed to work through that on previous Christmases. Here’s the list:
1. A Manchin bobblehead with a coal brain, along with hex-needles to stick into it.
2. A telephone that hangs solidly on the wall and cannot ever be stuffed into a pocket or a purse.
3. A car that has only a few simple foot pedals and on-off dash switches, but no touch screen or audio coach or ringing bells.
4. Shoes with spring soles to assist with climbing stairs, and for kicking Republicans.
5. A miniature Wisconsin legislature that sings: ‘Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener’ as it disappears into a cloud of phony smoke.
6. Continued good health reports for Phyllis and myself.
That’s it, Santa, except to say that if you are at least as smart as Donder and Blitzen and have had your Covid shots, we welcome you down the chimney. Help Yourself to some of Phyllis’s fruitcake. She is a former Canadian, you know, and up there, fruitcake is a big deal at weddings and other important events, so Phyllis knows a thing or two about fruitcake. (The keeper assisted her with periodic brandy dousing as the fruitcake aged in the frig all through December, as did he, not in the frig, of course, but nearby.)
Be careful on those slippery metal roofs, Santa, and warn Rudolph and the others that there is probably some kind of a deer hunting season still open In Wisconsin.
Merry Christmas!”
