Durova, CC BY-SA 3.0, via Wikimedia Commons
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, joins the keeper in ignoring incredibly serious subject matter, and offering a little Christmas story:
On a frosty morning in early December, Santa burst into the reindeer barn and after a hearty “Ho, Ho, Ho,” he announced, “Okay, all you antlered ruminants line up for your shots!”
“Shots?” Dasher said, “What shots?”
“For CWD—chronic wasting disease,” Santa said. “All reindeer get vaccinated for CWD before their brains shrink and they get too dumb to breathe and they die.”
“No shots for me,” Prancer said, “It is my god-given right to risk dying from CWD and that’s what I intend to do.”
“What about the rest of us?” Donner said. “We’re not ready to go that ‘dead’ route.”
“Prancer is already borderline stupid,” Comet said, “so him being willing to get a fatal brain- shrinking disease is not a big surprise.”
“He’s not as dumb as Blitzen,” Cupid said, “Blitzen can’t even count, especially ballets.”
“Dancer is the dumbest,” Vixen shouted, “He can’t even chew his own cud without having it pre-chewed by rich narcissists!”
“All right! All right!” Santa shouted. “Everyone shut-up and listen to Dr. Rudolph who has been consulting with me and Mrs. Santa Claus and has a CWD plan to save everyone from each other.”
“It is this,” Dr. Rudolph said, “All reindeer will wear masks, which may make them look like goats but indicates that they have enough sense to come in out of the rain—or snow.”
“Not me!” Prancer shouted. “Nobody’s making me wear a mask!”
“Okay, Prancer” Santa said, “Put your dunce cap back on and get up there to lead the other reindeer.”
There was a general shuffling in the barn as the reindeer lined up in front of Santa’s sleigh behind Prancer; and then from way back in the reindeer barn’s swine section a plaintive voice was heard: “When pigs fly!”
