Illustrator not identified. From a painting by J. Mund., Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, while sympathizing with the keeper’s frustration at the lack of ways for an elderly citizen to be politically relevant, is not sure that the keeper’s embrace of dueling is the answer.
But in the face of cascading legislative absurdities on the state and national levels, the keeper is determined to up his insults to the dueling level, with his only problem being who to insult first from the many potential opponents. He has settled finally on Ron Johnson, confident that, as the challenged party who gets to choose the dueling weapons, Johnson would opt for pillows from the Minnesota pillow flake, who believes, as Johnson does, that ghostly cannibals (Hamiltons) live in the national attic.
Lest the impending duel be debased as simply another political pillow fight, the keeper’s second—he plans to recruit old friend George Hesselberg; and expects George to insist that the dueling pillows be stuffed with a mix of cheese curds and flash-bangs.
(The NRA, ever anxious to do good, offered its service to the keeper in his dueling efforts, but was put off as being too fatality oriented in its promotion of dueling as a sanctioned school sport.)
The keeper notes that the famous 1804 Burr-Hamilton duel, in which vice president Hamilton was killed, took place after several years of insults; and this points up the difficulty of producing a duel-worthy insult, particularly with someone like Johnson who has been repeatedly, and justifiably, insulted by the keeper and many others.
So there it stands: is it even possible to come up with a duel-generating insult in Johnson’s case?
The keeper hopes so, since, in his relevancy efforts, he has plans for more duels—with McConnell, and Vos and Gableman and so many others.
