English: U.S. Army Sgt. 1st Class Michael J. Carden, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, is assisting the keeper in reporting on little-known age-related news from the Toyko Olympics:
……First place in the competition to open a new bubble-wrapped kitchen utensil was won by an obscene-spouting 80-year-old using an axe.
……The I-phone agility event has been called off after too many seniors found it impossible to see through tears of frustration.
……Acrobatics while using a walker was won by an octogenarian from Minnesota who did a cartwheel, or what started out to be a cartwheel but morphed into a classic but unfortunate walker dismount.
……Story telling repetition was won by a grandpa from Iowa who told the story 547 times of helping to castrate pigs back when he was an Iowa farm boy.
……First place in the delayed driving contest was won by a senior lady driver from Missouri in a 1998 Buick who waited through three complete traffic-light cycles before making a left turn.
……Olympic officials not only banned bikinis for senior volleyball team members but insisted on togas or pajamas and bathrobes as appropriate, and complete, body covering.
……While on the awards platform, all seniors will be updating their Covid-19 shots and making a terrible fuss over the Olympic stupidity of those who don’t.
