Jean-Etienne Minh-Duy Poirrier from Bruxelles, Belgium, CC BY-SA 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons
By Bill Stokes
Kickass, the doorstop dog, resisting his innate inclination to chew on things, is assisting the keeper in his campaign to protect people from packaging. No stats are available on how many people are injured or even die of frustration while attempting to open bubble-wrapped or other “easy-open” items, but the numbers are alarming.
In doing research, the keeper found the secret minutes of a packaging company meeting which stated that in order to draw attention to the importance of packaging, it must be designed to prevent access to a product by anyone not possessing an axe or a chainsaw.
Fine print includes the suggestion for seeking mental health help and warns the “elderly” against attempting to open packages under any circumstances, even those essential to their health and wellbeing. Best to call for a SWAT team to bring dynamite and a battering ram.
Secret records show a packaging company CEO lost $1 million off his $10 million salary after he approved a bubble wrap package that was successfully opened by an 81-year-old grandma using a butterknife and a hammer. There is also the account of an 89-year-old heart attack victim who was found face-down in a bowl of chicken noodle soup after he was apparently unable to break the seal on a package of crackers.
The sad packaging story goes on—frustrating and endangering the populace and filling the landfills with unnecessary debris. The keeper sees a business opportunity: package-opening squads in little white trucks that advertise one-hour service and relaxation therapy.
Panadol Pill Package Closeup.jpg by Jean-Etienne Minh-Duy Poirrier from Bruxelles, Belgium, CC BY-SA 2.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0, via Wikimedia Commons
