The Money Badger

By Geoffrey Carter

Wisconsin has a long and storied tradition of perseverance and courage that is reflected in our state animal, the badger. For decades, he’s been the symbol of Wisconsin toughness, integrity, and grit. In a state that has boasted leaders of courage and integrity like Bob LaFollette, Bill Proxmire, Gaylord Nelson, and Vel Phillips, the badger has been a true and apt symbol of the Wisconsin ideals of equality and progress. But the Wisconsin badger is currently an endangered species.

In November 2010, Wisconsin was overrun by a new invasive species—the money badger. Not to be confused with the honey badger made famous through the infamous YouTube video a few years back, the money badger is a pernicious and vile creature that is destroying our resources, corrupting our culture, and threatening to shred the social fabric of our great state. These money badgers are parasites, attaching themselves to carriers, usually Republican lawmakers, and forcing them to seek out its main prey—cash money. Eventually the carriers’ minds (usually weak to begin with) become completely controlled by the money badger. 

Despite its parasitic and disgusting nature, this creature does have some qualities in common with the notorious honey badger. Like its cousin, the money badger is fierce, relentless, irritable, and insatiable, but unlike the honey badger, which will attack anything or anyone, however, the “money badger” is far from fearless. He is easily and frequently cowed by a larger creature known as the Washington Lobbyist and will indeed retire into a submissive begging position when threatened by it. But when it smells money, the money badger is unstoppable. It will do anything, even endangering itself in the process, in order to obtain more. 

The money badger also differs from its more courageous cousin in that it travels in tightly controlled groups of badgers (called colonies), rarely, if ever, deviating from the desires of its leader. If one money badger strays from the colony, the other members will viciously turn on it, attacking it, and often tearing it to bits. They will not tolerate any sort of independent behavior or thought. 

The money badger eventually destroys its carrier’s mind. Shortly after becoming infected, the victim will find himself unable—and unwilling—to do anything besides gather more money for its money badger. The host will readily lie, cheat, and steal in order to do so. It has been reported that some of these affected lawmakers will attack women and children, especially those of different colors, and even assault and kill elder members of its own colony. It will show an utter disregard for the welfare of anyone other than itself. It will kill. It will destroy its own nest in order to gain money. And the money badger is never satisfied. Like a dog, if left to its own devices, it will continue consuming until it bursts. 

Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson is a case is point, who, unfortunately, seems to be in the later stages of infection. His money badger has taken over his entire existence, causing him to behave irrationally and erratically. It has become recently apparent that Johnson is suffering from severe delusions as a result of his affliction. Not only does he maintain that our last presidential election was stolen, but he has been downplaying the severity of the January 6^th attack—on his own den—the Capitol Building. 

So—obviously—the money badger has compromised the senator’s survival instincts. He can no longer discern reality from the needs of his badger, and so the money badger has become his new reality. Johnson, always drawn to wealth, now cannot help but to kneel at feet of the Washington lobbyists in order to feed his money badger. Of course, in the later stages of his illness, Johnson has been blindly following the leader of the money badger colony, Badger Trump, a man whose every instinct was consumed years ago by the desideratum of his money badger. His mind has been completely overrun.

The money badger has infested a significant number of lawmakers in our state such as Grothman, Fitzgerald, Vos, and Tiffany, but there is still hope. While a good many in Madison seem determined to elevate their own pecuniary interests over public health concerns, some of our Wisconsin lawmakers seem to be immune to infection. There is hard evidence of this. 

There still is a state-wide mask mandate and distancing recommendations to benefit the greater good. There has also been a tremendous outcry from residents appalled at the slaughter of wolves during a contrived and unnecessary hunting season engineered by—you guessed it—money badgers disguised as Hunter Nation, another lobby group. Badgers don’t care who they slaughter as long as it brings coins to their coffers. 

As Randall, the narrator of the original honey badger YouTube video states, “Honey badger don’t care. Honey badger don’t give a shit. He’s a bad ass.” And he is.

In one scene in the YouTube video, the honey badger recklessly attacks a cobra, who bites him repeatedly. It passes out from the venom before miraculously regaining consciousness. The honey badger can be just that stupid—or stubborn. So can our lawmakers. They don’t care, either. They don’t give a shit who they hurt or what they destroy. These money badgers—for these lawmakers will eventually become the creatures attached to them—will destroy themselves in order to satiate their inhuman needs.  

We would like to have our state badger back. The money badger who has commandeered our government and put Wisconsin lives at risk needs to go. He will go if we quarantine ourselves from those who feed him. We know who they are. 

In the Wisconsin State Capitol Building, there is a twelve-hundred-pound bronze statue of a badger adorning the entrance to the governor’s office. The statue is on loan from the USS Wisconsin, a navy battleship, where it used to reside. Before battles, sailors used to touch the badger’s nose for luck. The navy wants their lucky badger back. So do we.  

Let’s bring the real Bucky home.